A Breakaway from Red October

September 23 – October 3

HOW TO CELEBRATE THE COMING OF FALL AS ORCHESTRATED BY ME:

  • roll in the fog
  • buy new mocasin-like flats
  • find an excuse to grab a PSL. Like. Every. Minute.
  • Throw on a scarf
  • Buy a new scarf
  • Light candles, even if they’re summer-scented
  • Elliott Smith, Bright Eyes, Death Cab for Cutie.
  • A weekend getaway via train to Oregon

The fall never disappoints. But as I’ve noted before, it’s a season not without shortcomings. From summer to fall, there is an instant change in the air– and fairly put, change can be bad. It means moving on, and saying goodbye– if you’re ready for it.

I’ve realized that I truly get weird about goodbyes. I’m pretty awkward as is, so let alone farewells are in themselves painful. Even if I see someone the next day or they leave the apartment earlier than me; sure I’ll see them later tonight depending on what day of the week it is. But as fate would have it, it’s been an even more trying two weeks of that gut feeling. Not that far from the Mean Reds. Holly Golightly nailed it when she said that it was a fear, afraid but you don’t know what you’re afraid of. That Portland weekend did it, especially for seeing a very dear friend outside of a world that we’ve ever known together and an aunt just weeks before a much-needed surgery– you can’t help then that since they’re so far away, you constantly keep in your head that perhaps that might have been the last time you’ll see them… and so you keep a tally in your head of what better ways your farewells could have been.

Just feeling that sudden loss in a matter of a second seemed more prominent to me since then. In a string of events that involved a bunch of goodbyes. The going away dinner for a coworker at The Local Edition. A fulfilling day at the San Francisco Zoo with my cousins and aunt and uncle. All resulted the same, in swift adieus.

But were they memorable enough?

Those moments in this week might seem to anyone else fulfilling and sentimental. But for me, I oddly dread looking back, reflecting back on those tender last minutes. I can’t really decide on whether or not my weird goodbyes stem from a bad or good time– or just not enough of it.

I said before that the fall never disappoints. It does. But maybe because the inevitable change that happens with falls hasn’t really happened in your life. You see it everywhere, but can you really feel it? People move forward, and you sometimes just retreat back to your apartment, your stagnant life and job and singledom that’s been what your last seven months have been. But I fear not; there is always time to change things around. It’s only the first week of October, and the world has just transitioned into a magical time of the year (if December isn’t for you).

Who knows what magical things are coming my way with this weird sense of loss. As my childhood heroine said it best,

“I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”

The past is there to set things straight for the future. And no better place to feel better and assured than childhood books and reminders that yes, you’ll see everyone again.

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